Stop setting arbitrary goals to beat yourself up about later

The time is coming when 190 million people will ring in the New Year by setting themselves up for disappointment.

Why is it that we decide January 1 needs to be the day we start? Start losing that 20 pounds. Start exercising regularly. Start spending more time with our kids.

70% of people have already quit their New Years Resolution by January 10th. That’s because they are set up for failure. They think somehow, through sheer willpower and the magic of a new year, they’ll become a different person.

If you’re like me, and a quarter of all Americans, you’ve given up the idea of New Year Resolutions completely.

There is something special about changing that number at the end of the calendar, though. A new year does feel like an opportunity — to refresh, renew, maybe even start again.

Ceremonies matters

Our lives are filled with ceremony. We mark important events like birthdays and graduations with celebrations—and usually cake.

Ceremonies have been used to mark life transitions or changes in the self for millennia. By celebrating the end of something — and the beginning of something new — we release any emotional ties to our old way of being.

Marking changes and transformations in our lives doesn’t have to be reserved for the grand or momentous.

Becoming a mother, getting married, receiving a promotion, or retiring are not the only hallmarks of life transition. Each day, we change and grow. Each day, we can be born anew.

Maybe there’s a heartache you’ve held onto for far too long. Letting go of that sadness deserves celebration; it deserves a ceremony. You’ve made the choice to start a new business or side hustle — that deserves all the pomp and circumstance, too. Maybe you are just done beating yourself up over little mistakes, and ready to be more gentle with yourself.

These shifts in mindset are worthy of a ceremony to mark the occasion.

This New Year, forget the arbitrary goal-setting of New Year Resolutions that you aren’t going to keep. Instead, try a more heart-centered approach: release and intention.

The Release Ceremony

In the Release Ceremony, start with a blank sheet of paper. Light some candles and play some Vitamin String Quartet. Set up a relaxing, tranquil mood that allows you to be still and reflect.

Take a few deep breaths, following the sensations of air flowing in and out of your lungs. Take a few moments to be present in your body — to feel whatever sensations you’re feeling. Be aware of the space immediately around you: the smells, the sounds, the overall weight of the space.

Now focus on the white sheet of paper in front of you. Pick up your pen, and ask yourself:

What do I want to let go of?
What am I ready to release?

These can be thoughts, beliefs, habits, or even people. What no longer serves you? What do you want less of in your life?

Limiting beliefs keep you stuck. But they only have the power you give to them. Have you ever thought I’m not good enough or this isn’t going to work out? Those thoughts aren’t serving you. Let them go.

Spend as much time as you need writing your list. It can be as long or as short as you want. Let your intuition guide you. Listen to the quiet whispers of your heart. Write without judging what you’re writing.

Once your list feels complete, sign it and date it. Now, it’s time to read it out loud (to yourself — no one has to listen) and burn it.

Read each item out loud, prefacing it with “I now let go of…” or “I now release…” or “I no longer…” Say each item with conviction. Make it sound like you believe it, even if you don’t. Put power and certainty into your voice.

When you finish reading your list out loud, take a deep breath. Feel the weight of all you’ve written being lifted off your shoulders. Your body and soul are lighter without the weight of things that hold you back. As you exhale, imagine what it feels like for all these things to be gone from your life.

Then, light a match and burn it! You can do this over a sink, or outside over a firepit. As the paper turns to ash, feel the things you wrote disappearing from your life. Tell yourself:

Letting go feels good.
I release old burdens that weigh me down.
I let go of feelings that bind me to the past.

Take a moment to notice how you feel.

Now that you have let go of the old, there is room for the new. Rather than setting resolutions — or goals — set an intention for the new year.

Goals vs Intentions

A goal is all about the end-point. Its focus is where we want to be in the future. Goals make us keenly aware of the distance between where we are and where we want to be. Goals can make us unintentionally focus on the lack in our lives.

An intention is about who you are right now. Intentions are not about the end destination. An intention is how you show up in each moment of your life. There is no space between your intention and where you are right now. Intentions focus on our abundance and the power we have to direct our lives every day.

Goal: Go to the gym three times a week.
Intention: Love my body by making healthy choices.

Goal: Make $20,000 in my side business this year.
Intention: Approach my business with energy and excitement.

Goal: Take two family trips.
Intention: Be an engaged partner and parent.

Intentions are about who you want to be, and how you want to show up in the everyday moments of your life. They are not about a goal or destination.

Intentions don’t focus on achieving some external accolade or reaching an arbitrary goal post. Instead, intentions are about inner change. Who am I? Who do I want to become? How do I want to feel about myself and the world? How do I want to show up in my life?

Deep down, resolutions are trying to answer these same questions. The deeper ideals are masked in the outer appearances of success. Someone who sets a resolution to go to the gym actually wants to be a healthier person. Setting sales goals usually hides a deeper desire to be accepted and feel admired.

Save yourself the strain of pretending some external accomplishment is going to fulfill your inner desires. Your soul does not care about how many times you go to the gym.

Our soul wants us to love and be grateful for our bodies. It wants us to be present in each moment, attuned to the world around us, so that we can make the decision that is best for us at that moment.

Our soul yearns for connection. It wants to know other people deeply, and be known deeply. It desires to slow down, not speed up.

Setting Your Intention

As with the Release Ceremony, take a few moments to center yourself in a tranquil space. Take the time to tune into your intuition, and ask yourself a few silent questions:

What does my soul yearn for?
What do I want more of in my life?
How do I want to show up to my friends and family?
What brings me joy?
Who am I, underneath how I appear?

Set your intention this way: “My intention is to…” and fill in the blank. Write it down, and place it somewhere you will see it every day.

An intention works best when it is short and memorable. Let your intention become your mantra for the year. Repeat it to yourself often. Write it down in many places, such as a post-it note on your mirror, computer, desk, planner, fridge, and car.

For the next 30 days, begin each day by repeating your intention out loud. “My intention today is to…” Watch how your life changes just by reminding yourself of your intention!

The beautiful thing about setting an intention is that you cannot fail. Some days you live your intention fully. Other days, you miss the mark a bit. And that’s ok!

Each morning, wake up and remind yourself of your intention. There is nothing else that needs to be done. There are no deadlines to miss, no boxes to check.

By simply reminding yourself of your intention each morning, you will find yourself naturally living it. There will be setbacks along the way. But as long as you hold your intention, the journey isn’t over.

Be gentle with yourself. Allow space for growth and change. The path isn’t always straight and narrow. By focusing on an intention, rather than an end-goal, you welcome grace into your life. Allow it to guide you to becoming all that you want to be.